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| I am trying not to be emotional, instead I am trying to be calm. I don't want to freak out anymore guys, and at the same time I don't want to expect too much. I'm so used to my ex-boyfriend giving me attention and the love I deserve that whenever I'm with another guy I expect him to be the same, and I don't think that's too much to ask for. Every girl deserves a man who loves her, unconditionally.
I don't want to text him too much. I don't want him to be annoyed with me. I will leave him alone. I just hope if it's meant to be he'll ask me out or something.  But if not, oh well. I won't rush things. I will be patient and focus on myself.
I guess that means more studying and more gym time. Yay!
A lot of people tell me that I should go after what I want or I won't get anywhere.. but I've chased so many guys and it just leaves you with a broken heart. I don't want those scenarios on repeat, or worse! I just want the guy to chase after me, if he wants me enough, he will ask me "How have you been doing?" That's what I would do. I know it's not safe to assume that guys will do the same thing, but I think if a guy really cared he would.
No more chasing guys, ever... the guy should chase after me.
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| What's wrong with me? "Just because a person is 'religious' doesn't make them a good person." I basically said that to myself. I am so wrong. On the inside I am a jealous person. Insecure. Mean. So many wrong things. I guess I can't beat myself up because nobody is perfect maybe I just need somebody to talk to? To open up my feelings to?
I am jealous of other girls. I like to separate people. I like to be the only one. I am repeating my past. Haha. I worry about being a bad girlfriend. I'm not in a relationship but I just feel like if I ever got in a relationship the guy's friends wouldn't like me and I may not let my boyfriend hang out with other girls. I may be jealous of them. Sigh. I guess it's just my insecurities. I need to change that and give my future boyfriend free space but at the same time I dno't want to lose him?
I'm sure i"m not the only one?
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| bk: 6 p. bacon, 1 p. bread, 1 sunny side up egg
snk: chocolate milk
lnch: tba
dnnr: tba
Today as I was reading The Bible this verse came up for me:
9 Who can say , I have made my heart clean , I am pure from my sin? Proverbs 20:9 King James Version
I could totally relate to it. I thought to myself, "Wow, that is me!" Although I try to repent (turn away) from my sins or give them up, usually I don't fully give them up or I have new sins pop up in my life. I realized to myself, no one is pure from their sins. Although I believe there are people who sin less or who're genuinely good people I realized that I'm not one of them and I can't say that I am pure from my sin. That Bible verse is just saying that "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" which is another verse in The Bible. Concluding that no one can say that they haven't sinned.
I know this kind of sounds like lame stuff but it brought peace to me because I thought I was condemned but it made me realize God's love because God knows we're sinners yet still chooses to love and care for us. So it just made me realize God's love more because it made me know that God knows we're sinners and it's very hard for us to change, that is why He is so patient. Of course God gets mad with our foolishness sometimes but He still loves us so it just made me realize how much God cares for me.
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| I figured out why I've been moody lately. For the last couple of days I've just been hating everybody, getting annoyed at the littlest things. And I figured it out. I'm not doing anything. I don't have any goals. Yes, I know it's summer and I'm supposed to kick back but for me that is not possible. I think in order for me to be happy in life I need to progress toward something, feel like I'm making a difference or that I'm doing work. So I decided to take my education more seriously. And today I thought "I'm never going to meet the right guy by staying home all day!" when I was thinking about the gym. I should go to the gym. It may help me meet new people AND it will get me out of the house because I'm wasting my life by staying inside. I don't know this really was an eye opener for me. ^___^ Anyways hope you all are outdoors, meeting new people and living life  .
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| I don't even feel like I'm living for Jesus. I don't know. I think that's why Jesus said you must give up everything, hate your own life, hate your own family in order to be a disciple. I don't think Jesus meant "you must literally despise and treat your family like crap" I think Jesus just meant you can't go with what the world says, you have to take ALL persecutions in order to follow Him because the world and sometimes even your family wont' support your love for God and if you love God you must put all worldly things behind. It's hard but I wanna be close to God. *sigh* I dont know. I just am wondering to myself "What does following Jesus look like?" Being a disciple or a follower of God is not easy because you have to put God first in everything.
On a side note I'm talking to this one guy on a dating website and I'm not really sure I like him. I'm amazed he's still talking to me I just kinda wanna run away lol. I don't know... I kind of want to separate myself from dating for awhile and focus on getting close to God but the guy's kinda cute so I don't know. I guess I'm just going to have to see how it goes.
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